I have a nasty side to me, and a real way with words.
So I’m a spectacular bully and body shamer.
You want someone to do verbal damage? Call me.
Here are just a few things that have come out of my mouth:
“You are the fattest motherf*cker in this bar. Just go home now.”
“Put down that cupcake you fat piece of sh*t.’
“How could you put on another 3 pounds, you idiot?”
“Don’t go the doctor. You’ll just find out how stupid and unhealthy you are.”
“Keep your shirt on, fat boy. Nobody wants to see your belly.”
“If you didn’t eat so much f*cking fried chicken, you wouldn’t be busting holes in your crotch.”
“You can’t even do one pull-up, you weakling.”
These are the mild ones.
I’ve said much, much worse.
I targeted all these statements, and thousands of others, at one person.
ME.
Not other people.
ME.
I’ve felt deep shame over my struggles with my health and fitness.
Shame over my lack of self-control, and what I now recognize as food addiction.
I’ve had years and years of yo-yo dieting.
Here’s my weight from 2014 to mid-2025, where I flopped around in a 40 pound range:
And then here’s my weight from mid-2025 to April 2026:
(I switched from FitBIt to Apple Health along the way)
No matter where I was on the chart, I beat myself up.
When I lost weight, I was angry at myself for not losing even more. For still having a fat belly.
And when I gained weight… you can just imagine.
But…Why?
I think of myself as a hardworking problem-solver.
The kind of guy that can figure things out.
But getting to optimal health was just one I couldn’t crack.
So there’s been some kind of identity conflict happening.
All men want to think of themselves as strong.
And I should have lots of willpower, right?
I could will myself to work 15 hour days on no sleep.
Yet, I couldn’t stand up to the overwhelming power of cookies and cheeseburgers and chicken tenders.
And those are just the C’s!
I had no shortage of knowledge.
I’d been reading about fitness and health and nutrition for over 20 years.
Yet I couldn’t sustain a healthy weight for any meaningful period of time.
I’m only really putting these pieces together at the age of 47.
And Yes, Men Suffer from Body Image Issues Too
When we hear about people suffering from body image issues, we tend to think about women.
But us men feel it too, especially as we age and it gets harder to stay in shape.
The media’s done a great job (perhaps accidentally) of feeding our insecurities.
I grew up watching Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone look absolutely ripped in action movies:
I cherish all these movies, but I’m sure they planted seeds in my head about what the ideal man looks like.
And there’s been a clear trend in action movies over the past decade or so: middle aged and older men looking absurdly jacked. In the 80’s, we had Arnold and Sly in their 30’s.
But look at what’s been happening.
Hugh Jackman was 47 when Logan was filmed:
Paul Rudd was 53 in Ant-Man and “The Wasp”
Or how about Brad Pitt at 60 in F1?
Male testosterone declines as we age.
So it becomes harder to maintain muscle. Yet these guys look ridiculous.
The question of course, is why?
Hollywood stars often start with great genetics and discipline.
And they love to talk about their grilled chicken and broccoli diets, and intense workouts with world-class personal trainers.
They never tell us about:
Performing enhancing drugs, both legal and illegal
Plastic surgery like facelifts
Hair transplants
GLP-1 drugs like Ozempic, Wegovy, Rybelsus, Mounjaro, and Zepbound
Testosterone replacement therapy
Amazing makeup artists and clothing stylists that make them look greawt
VFX (yes, digital abs are real)
This is why so many male celebrities over 45 have six-pack abs with full heads of hair.
But even if we know all this stuff, the images override our logic.
We still ask “why can’t I look like those guys?”
Finding a Happy Medium
When I think about my dream physique, I’m trying to stay away from ridiculous modern Hollywood standards, and digging into the past.
And I came up with two fitness icons for myself:
Tom Selleck in Magnum PI:
And Burt Reynolds in Deliverance:
(WARNING: not watch Deliverance if you are easily disturbed)
They’re not ripped or gigantic.
But they look strong, functional, and realistic.
Something I can achieve as I approach 50.
But Wolverine, nah. Not gonna happen.
The Upside of Shame
It would be a lie if I said that my shame did not carry a positive.
It was an additional motivator.
I love the Joan Didion quote “I write to find out what I am thinking.’
And one of the biggest benefits of writing this newsletter is I slow down and reflect on the why’s behind my health improvement.
I talked about being motivated by watching my parents suffer.
And then I realized I needed to also examine my own vanity.
As I write this article, I realized that shame was also a factor.
I didn’t want to feel like a weak man with no self-control.
Is that healthy?
From an emotional standpoint, maybe not.
From a physical standpoint, I say yes.